On average, an American man under 75 will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man the same age will have sex only one or two times a year............... This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.
A chain-smoking priest who asked his superior if it was permissible to smoke while praying. He was told, "Absolutely not." A colleague said, "Next time, ask if it's permissible to pray while smoking."
A mexican magician tells his audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..." *poof" ... He disappeared without a tres. [from a Sean Silverman FB post]
I'm more confused than a chameleon in a bag of skittles.
If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small glass of wine.
Apex Summit, a real place in Nevada.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for aminute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."
From Facebook by Terence Blackburn.
Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. In the morning he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey’s died.’ Paddy replied, ‘Well just give me my money back then.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it..’ Paddy said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead donkey’ The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’ Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead donkey!’ Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’ Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898′ The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’ Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won.. So I gave him his £2 back.’
Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apology and forgive me. It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan.
Fred, feeling angered and betrayed, put his cell phone on the coffee table, grabbed his gun, went next door and shot his neighbor Alan dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the sofa. Fred picked up his cell phone off the coffee table where he saw a second message from Alan.
Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect that you figured it out and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed wi-fi to wife. That's today's technology for you, hey?
Regards, Alan
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy smokes" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.“ The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.“
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.“
Dad replied, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”
The UN conducted a worldwide telephone survey. The only question asked was, "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a complete failure because:
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off. And on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: OK, I'll have a Coke.
Bartender: Three dollars.
Me: There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?
Bartender: "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst" No spaces, all lowercase.
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.
They say we can have gatherings with up to eight people without issues. I don't even know eight people without issues.
Friend: "Look! Your husband is talking to another girl." Me: "Let him. I want to see how long he can suck-in his stomach."
I went line dancing last night. Well ... it was a roadside sobriety test .. same thing ...
Theme parks can snap a crystal-clear picture of you on a roller coaster going 70 mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
Did you know that people who look after chickens are literally Chicken Tenders?
The fastest land mammal is not a cheetah ... it's a toddler who has just been asked "what's in your mouth?"
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers ... if you do find one, what's your plan?
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending machine at work can't recognize a dollar bill with a bent corner.
Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty-minute jog. So now I sit in the park and laugh at all the joggers.
When my wife is mad at me, I tighten all the jar lids, so she has to talk to me.
Covid-19 Fact: 87% of gym members don't even know their gym is closed.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians.
I never make the same mistake twice. I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.
My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors. Can you tell?
I know it's time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it's an extra passenger who isn't wearing a seat belt.
In the 1980s I fell off my bike and hurt my knee. I'm telling you this now because we didn't have social media then.
Some people seem to have aged like fine wine. I aged like milk ... I got sour and chunky.
I still have a full deck; I just shuffle and deal slower.
Crafter’s philosophy ... why pay $7 for it when you can make it with $92 of craft supplies?
The next time you dislike your life, remember it's all about perspective. I have a friend who reads 2-3 books a week, works out twice a day, has no financial worries, and has people who want to have sex with him all the time. And yet he constantly complains about how much he hates prison.
